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la confidential

im back in sf after a long fuckin day of driving.... and being super tense during the stupid snowstorm..... smooth sailing on teh last trip, which would be the second trip to pdx in a month. this return to sf makes it #3 and yes people, there is a #4 in a mere 4 days. fuckin shit my body is a disaster my head is crazy my allergies are the worst ever!

yeah so
im up still 114am. bed at 3am.up at 530am.up up at 830am. road at 10am.home 845pm.
BED time..... with no bed!!!
thank u six, for filling up the air mattress for me... and thank u kelsey (spec.ladyfriend) for giving me yer river rafting awesome sleep pad. its waterproof ness proved to be most perfect (in the bed of the truck during rain/snowstorm).... thank god this trip wasnt as epic as our trip in feb. the 10 hour trip turned 2days.

after all this, seriously, im over being in my head.
six suggested books on tape for the trip back, i think i just might do that
since the music add kicks in after hour 2

young hearts be free tonite

i feel like i can come on here and vent about stuff i dont want to leak out elsewhere
i feel like the people i have on lj are those mostly with biased opinions but more so dont know the people in mention

i feel like i might have got myself another laurenrobin
this means,
i think i might be dating someone (tenderoni) who is totally not the one i should be dating...
i thought she was the one... of the three at the time........
but maybe not so much
or maybe i am over analyzing which is totally possible
i just hung out with old girl from portland trip 2 (fairy pirate)
and im totally torn.now..
i mean IM SUPER FUCKIN HOT FOR HER!!!!! shes conventionally, gorgeous....
personality, party girl with a heart of gold... snowboarder.flutist.works with children w/disabilities.
shes got a lot happenin... but a lot of flaws... or at least ones i make up in my head (defense mechanism)
and NOW AFTER seeing the fairy tonite AFTER our month of no real talking some texting
im like damn u, dont look at me like that... that smile.... mmm yeah and get those titties out my face....stop running her hand through my hair.... NO WAIT. YES... of course im totally into it all but damn me for having to make decisions....
hang with u or u
what am i doing now?
hanging with tenderoni ....
and the whole time talkin but strippers...
strangely enuf fairy pirate went snowoarding and at random stripper danger was going with her homies. crazy.
yeah so i wish i could be a little more up front
play the situation how i want (de la soul)

SO I GET MYSELF into these red hot *moments* of relationships with people...
its so not good!!!
or is it, BUT only if everyone is totally ok with everything all the time... which is totally fucked up and not possible
the fairy freaked when i OUT OF NOWHERE started hangin with tenderoni
after a month plus of talkin daily and tons of sexy texts i totally hook it up with the other
so when i was in pdx the first time in oct i met the tenderoni and i was curious.
later crushing.
then smitten.
now confused.
y cant i just have what i want from both
i apologized to the fairy ... totally need her in my life... shes super positive WITH WORDS... very well spoken
tenderoni, is rad. i love her saggy tight jeans thin ts worn out vans look
outdoor enthusisast river guide.camper.fire maker.drawer postcard sender.
BUt flaws....
im guess im just sad .... that the fairy asks me how i am and looks into my eyes like REALLY babe, are u happy?
oh and not mention how passionate she is about stuff, i totally cried like a baby at her house.... not that hard for me actually....grrr... i just keep thinkin how we used to jokebout keepin hearts in pockets and how fairies are easily swept away but this one was waiting for her captain to dock....
dang damn fuck... i love that ones little bod and silky no tattoos skin. that wiley. dancedancin fairy.
the other tight muscles freckled smiley dork like
theres a nasty picture on the side of the lj advertising some wrinkle cream. GROSS.
im done.

house of cards

Queen of Swords
Independence, intelligence, clarity.

Deck: Chinese

Representing the energy of a Queen, this feminine power was traditionally known as a widow, crone or divorcee. In modern times, she can be viewed as a model of self-sufficiency, independence and intelligence. She often has extremely high standards due to her subtle sensitivities, which can be perceived by those around her as being critical or hard to please. Her true motive is to refine the world, to upgrade peoples' understanding -- so that everyone can have the space they need to become fully themselves.

She is not interested in conforming. She is too intelligent to be confined to the role of housewife or nursemaid, although she is perfectly competent in those areas. She chooses her associations (or her solitude), and is seldom caught up in dependent relationships -- at least not for long. Her intelligence is not always the most comfortable to be around, but she can be counted on to see through superficiality and point to the truth of a situation.

Feb. 24th, 2008

super fuckin scared to leave
hanging with the incredble impressive lovely special lady friend
i dunno
leaving soon
its scary
two weeks ish
everyone asks
who is she
ahh portlands rad i love protalnd
hahaportland sucks

need inspiration
want change
who are u moving there for, she asks


still excited though
want change
like her
i dont know/// as always.
still the same


As the Sun moves through your 7th House of Others in the next month, you would benefit from taking time to look back before moving forward. Remember what you've accomplished since your last birthday and review what's slipped through the cracks. Creating goals for the balance of your year can be essential to your happiness. You can make anything happen if you focus your mind and then work hard to reach your goal.

lost in a forest

Something may be bothering you today, but it's hard to put your finger on it. You can get excited as you think about solving an ongoing problem, but then the solution slips away. You may be easily enthused, but when you realize how unrealistic your plan is, you are quick to let it go. Try not to make any final decisions now as you flow back and forth with your changing moods.

funny, im double thinkin and checkin it thrice. what the fuck am i doing?
yeah, mexico?

i have for real wanderlust
lust for her
and her
and her

jobs that pay


my dad sent this to me and said i can do whatever the fuck i want basically.

Jan. 30th, 2008

it was like ten years ago i said this, "i wanna be the pen u write with and the keys u tap. i wanna be the words spilling out of yer mouth. the lighswitch u switch off at nite. the red light. the pillow u lie on. i wanna be in u. and i think i am. cuz u love me and i love u too." in response to the only entry rye ever wrote on livejournal.

moving on,
Your romantic inclinations may be magnified now, but you might not have an easy path to reach satisfaction. Your relationships could still be a bit unstable as your increased needs can tip the balance. Of course it's important to dream, but this doesn't mean you should share every desire, especially if it's embarrassing. Some things are best kept to yourself.

so. um. fuck. portland. crazy. juggling three blondes already, she jokes. yeah, i suppose i am actually. and a forth, non blonde, who im currently bonin' will NOW be in portland same time. as well. as me. she flys in teh day of my show actually. im stoked. shes totally into me from what im pickin up on now, which is totally opposite what it was a month ago when i was diggin on her. took me a month to seal the deal. i just felt like i was a highschool boy sayin that. anyway, doin it with her is totally perfect cuz shes just like here and now. fuck the rest. yeah, nice ride. yesterday we bar hopped in the mission ridin ol skoo hoopty bicycles. i am in love with little boy blue mr blue jeans. we co-named the bike. seriously i want it,im gonna get it, i promise ... it was one of those 10$ garage sale bikes. they dont sell em that cheap no more, seriously, not here. so yeah. fun times. im learnin how to open myself up. ehemm. not like that pervs. ok, maybe. im tryin to not be so guarded. reserved. walls. u know. its hard to let those things go . people constantly are about trickery and bullshit. ive been there. ive done. been did. goes around comes around. itll be around again soon. im sure.
fuck it.

in other news,
im gonna go to wood boat making school in the summer. in maine. sorry michfest. not really though. i havent recovered from the burn last year. one day. 35 yr. ill make a come back.

Jan. 29th, 2008

Four of Cups

Contrarily, the stillness in the four cups represents stagnation, a status quo in a relationship that brings dissatisfaction and boredom. A man sitting under a tree with three cups is offered a fourth by a hand from a cloud. This is the "grass is greener" card. The relationship, once so fresh and exciting, is no longer moving or changing or growing, and the Querent, depressed and restless, begins to wonder if the grass might not be greener elsewhere.

This card is also about over-indulgence in drink, food, drugs, sex, even internet chat rooms, looking for stimulation. It is all too easy to turn to such things when depressed or bored. In general, this card is a warning. ****The Querent might be in a stagnant relationship, but day-dreaming of others or over indulging is not the way to solve the problem. Stop looking for ways to escape it, and look, instead, for ways to change it.

love situation;
Queen of Cups

Often a healer, counselor or psychic, this is a woman who seems to know what's wrong even before you open your mouth. Call her the emotional fix-it woman, but she seems to have exactly the right solution to problems relating to home, friends, love. Sometimes she is shy, self-effacing, you might not even notice her; other times she can be a little scary, dreamy, mysterious, a creative storyteller. Affectionate and loving, she is a "mom's mom" always there to hug, heal and bake cookies for her children. Her intuition is uncanny, her temper...well, it runs very deep and you don't ever want it turned against you. Talk about scary. Unfortunately, this is also a queen who can suffer from female hormonal problems, depression, moodiness, alcoholism, drug addiction, psychological problems.

The element of Queens is water and, not surprisingly, they are a reflection of the Empress. In this they signify the creative force. One way to think of the court cards is this: The Kings are the motivating force (Fire = the sun waking up the sleeping Earth). The queens are the ones who make it real (water = rain bringing forth life from the earth). The Knights spread the idea of the Kingdom (wind = spreading the seeds). And the Pages, of course, are the fertile soil in which all of this can grow.

Three of Cups

Three maidens with three overflowing cups celebrate. The creation here, springing from the relationship in the two of cups, is happiness, togetherness. Two cups pour into a third and it overflows with love and joy, enough for all. This is a card of parties, weddings, anniversaries, baby showers, birthdays. Any time that families get together and reunite in celebration of something new.

When Queens appear they signal a time of growth and development, a time when the Querent is making things real

my issue:
Ace of Pentacles


New luck, health or money for a new "job". There is no desire to burn, or flow or fly; here is a physical need to be grounded, to do solid work, make, create and touch. Like a seed in the ground, there is a desire to sprout roots and just become. The pentacle is taken in hand, and, for now, the querent wants only to have it solidly in his pocket.

These are the aces, the raw or initial passion, feelings, thoughts and needs that can be directed into something more. They represent hope, a possiblity, an action to take. The Querent can use them, or leave them behind. Choose wisely what you take up from the Magician's table for each has its pitfalls as well as pinnacles.

her issues:
Seven of Swords

A thief sneaks off with 5 out of 7 swords. This is the "Thief" card. It implies that someone is stealing something from you, your honor, your ideas, your time. They may be spreading gossip about you. How to take control of this situation? You have to be equally sneaky. Sometimes, to win a race or battle, the Charioteer must direct his horses around instead of straight on. You may feel like you want to go charging in, be confrontational, but this is not going to work. That is the out-of-control solution which will allow the thief to play the innocent. To catch a thief, you must be a thief.

whiskey advice:
The chariot is one of the most complex cards to define. On its most basic level, it implies war, a struggle, and an eventual, hard-won victory. Either over enemies, obstacles, nature, the beasts inside you, or to just get what you want. But there is a great deal more to it. The charioteer wears emblems of the sun, yet the sign behind this card is Cancer, the moon. The chariot is all about motion, and yet it is often shown as stationary.

What does this all mean? It means a union of opposites, like the black and white steeds. They pull in different directions, but must be (and can be!) made to go together in one direction. Control is required over opposing emotions, wants, needs, people, circumstances; bring them together and give them a single direction, your direction. Confidence is also needed and, most especially, motivation. The card can, in fact, indicate new motivation or inspiration, which gets a stagnant situation moving again. It can also imply, on a more pragmatic level, a trip (usually by car), a vehicle - in the shop for repairs if the card comes up reversed - or a message.

The Chariot is a fascinating card, but also frustrating. Like the crab, it is armored, but also cut off - a charioteer fights alone. It moves from one plane to the next (water to land and back again) - conscious and unconscious, Earthly and spiritual. It succeeds by attacking from the side, rather than straight on.

On the one hand, the Chariot indicates loyalty and faith and motivation; a conviction that will lead to victory no matter the odds. But the chariot can also signal a ruthless, diehard desire to win at any cost. The Querent should be reminded to save his energy for what comes after. Victory is just the start of things.

her advice:
Nine of Swords

A man wakes from a nightmare, nine swords on the wall. It can be a good thing to find what you seek, except when it comes to ideas, words or problems. Find too many of them and they will overwhelm you. We all know this card, it is the one where we wake up at night and go over our troubles, problems, worries, thoughts, what we said, what others said. The Querent must be told that while their problems may be real, they're blowing them out of proportion, making them worse, nightmarish. They are spending too many sleepless nights alone and awake with these words, ideas, problems. What they are really seeking is to wake from this bad dream - which they can do by realizing that it is a bad dream - most of it is in their head.

love future tarot reading.....

possible outcome:
3 of coins
A craftsman shows off his work of three pentacles in an arch to a pair of potential patrons. This is the craftsman's card and it indicates creating something that brings in patronage. The Querent has created, well, more work for himself. So promising is what the Querent has done with so little, that money, admiration, and more work is coming their way, enough to get them out of the juggling they were doing in the two of pentacles. Health wise, this card can also indicate positive results from a new exercise program or therapy.

Love situation:
Basic Tarot Story

After a long and busy lifetime, building, creating, loving, hating, fighting, compromising, failing, succeeding, the Fool feels a profound need to retreat. In a small, rustic home deep in the woods, he hides, reading, cleaning, organizing, resting or just thinking. But every night at dusk he head out, traveling across the bare, autumnal landscape. He carries only a staff and a lantern.

It is during these restless walks from dusk till dawn, peering at and examining whatever takes his fancy, that he sees and realizes things he's missed, about himself and the world. It is as if the secret corners in his head were being slowly illuminated, corners he never knew existed. In a way, he has become the Fool again; as in the beginning, he goes wherever inspiration leads him. But as the Fool, his staff rested on his shoulder, carrying unseen his pack. The Fool was like the pack, whatever it was he could be was wrapped up, unknown. The Hermit's staff leans out before him, not behind. And it carries a lantern, not a pack. The Hermit is like the lantern, illuminated from within by all he is.

Basic Tarot Meaning

Represented by Virgo, the Hermit is a card of introspection, analysis and, well, virginity. This is not a time for socializing; the card indicates, instead, a desire for peace and solitude. Nor is it a time for action, discussion or decisions. It is a time to think, organize, ruminate, take stock. There may be feelings of frustration and discontent during this time of withdrawal. But such times lead to enlightenment, illumination, clarity.

In regards to people, the Hermit represents a wise, inspirational person, friend, teacher, therapist, someone the Querent usually sees alone, someone the rest of the Querent's friends and family may not know about. This a person who can shine a light on things that were previously mysterious and confusing. They will help the Querent find what it is they are seeking.

Thirteen's Observations

One of the important things about this card is that the Hermit is always shown on the move. He's never locked away in his reclusive cell, he's always out wandering, searching. That, to me, is a Virgo. I'm married to one, I know. The Hermit is the restless mind of the Virgo, always gathering information, analyzing, making connections. Virgos are skeptics, and if anyone is going to stick a lantern into a dark place and take a good look at what's going on, it is a Virgo.

The Hermit is a card of connections and enlightenment. Combined with a desire to just "be alone," the Querent who gets this card is probably feeling impatient with people who disturb their peace or who can't see what they're seeing ("Are you blind?" might be their refrain, or, more typically, "You just don't get it, and I can't explain it to you."). In typical Virgo fashion, they're likely to be grumpy and anti-social. But for the Querent (if no one else!) this is a special time. Like an artist who hides for days then emerges to paint a masterpiece, this quiet time allows all the pieces to fall into place. So go ahead and encourage them to go on late night drives, long walks, hide in their room or go on retreat for a month. When they come back, they'll see everything in a brand new light. It'll be the best thing for them, and for everyone else in their lives.

ace of wands
Aces are the root force. They are the spark. Relate them to the Magician, who presents the tools to the Fool. They have no purpose yet, but are filled with raw potential. They are the active energy of the suit ready to be used. They can also indicate direction or season, though which stands for which is often debated. Here are the "usual" directions and seasons. If, however, they don't feel right to you, the reader, use whatever works best.

A new spark of energy for a new passion. This usually indicates that the querent has just discovered a new religion, philosophy, cause or career choice. They feel their energy go up, they feel the heat, and they want more of it. They take up the wand and start to walk.

my issues:
the sun
Basic Tarot Meaning

The Sun is ruled by...the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises the Querent their day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. This is science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy. And, yes, the child/children in this card can be taken literally if other cards in the spread seem to suggest it. Your Querent can be informed that a wanted and most welcome babe will soon be on the way. Likely a boy, or twins.
13's prediction:
I actually have predicted children with this card once, and once only. Most of the time, however, this card, to me, is all about the Apollian ideal. Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way. It's one of those days when it all goes right. Just right. The money you were waiting for arrives and a bonus has been added, the project you've been working on comes out perfectly and you get all the credit. Traffic lights turn green for you, liars come clean and apologize, the garden blooms, the sky is blue, the weather is warm and sweet. As the song goes, "Here comes the Sun...." and absolutely everything is going to be all right.

her issues:
wheel of fortune

my advice:
10 of coins

As the aces were the pure, elemental spark of the suit, the tens are the element of the suit complete. Not as in the nines, which are physical completion, but in a transcendent fashion. It is the ultimate good or bad of that element.
This is the pinnacle of prosperity, material goods that last instead of being temporary; this is a family home bought and paid for, a business you can pass onto your children. The Querent might find themselves the lucky recipients of a trust fund or lottery money big enough to last a lifetime. It may not be a huge lump sum, but it is something that can be relied on for a good, long while, or something to be passed on to the children, a family inheritance, or just a special, valuable item to pass on.

her advice:
Standing for someone other than the querent, the Magician could be a skillful doctor, scientist, inventor lecturer, salesman, or con-man. It's important to remember that the Magician can as easily be clever as skilful, a trickster as well as a magician. This is someone with a magnetic personality, someone who can convince people of almost anything. For better or worse, his words are magic.

Most importantly, the Magician card stands for the "reveal" - as in a magic trick. The handkerchief is draped over an empty box, the Magician waves his wand, *presto!*--now there is a dove in the box. The Magician card does the same for the Querent--only what it reveals is not birds or rabbits but NEW ideas. Emphasis on NEW. When the Magician card appears, the Querent is likely to say: "Now there's an idea! Why didn't I think of that before?" Truth is, the Querent had that idea in his head all along. The Magician merely revealed it to him. But what will the Querent do with this idea? That's a question for the next card....

Traveling on his way, the Fool first encounters a Magician. Skillful, self-confident, a powerful magus with the infinite as a halo floating above his head, the Magician mesmerizes the Fool. When asked, the Fool gives over his bundled pack and stick to the Magician. Raising his wand to heaven, pointing his finger to Earth, the Magician calls on all powers; magically, the cloth of the pack unfolds upon the table, revealing its contents. And to the Fool's eyes it is as if the Magician has created the future with a word. There are all the possibilities laid out, all the directions he can take. The cool, airy Sword of intellect and communication, the fiery Wand of spirituality and ambition, the overflowing Chalice of Love and emotions, the solid Pentacle of work, possessions and body. With these tools, the Fool can create anything, make anything of his life. But here's the question, did the Magician create the tools, or were they already in the pack? Only the Magician knows - and on this mystery, our eloquent mage refuses to say a word.

weird am i the fool (hermit) who is being tricked by the magician?
gosh so much. the card bout children does that mean im supposed to get my dog soon?
blah havent even read through all this so no comment from me yet.